Geschichten aus der Toilette

I would like to talk for a moment about Viennese high culture, and in particular the fine arts. There are many nice aspects of Viennese high culture. Classical music is among them. We have a nice classical music museum and two weeks ago we went to a wonderful concert in an incredibly amazing room and with some incredibly amazing music. This is all very good.

And then there is the play Geschichten aus dem Wiener Wald (Stories from the Viennese Forest [that surrounds the city]). This was organized by our Georgetown den-mother Helga and one of our tutors, Robert. Now, we are required (sort of) to come to one theater piece and one opera. The opera is "The Magic Flute" by Mozart, a staple of classical opera, so I assumed that the play GADWW was a staple of some classical canon of theater that I was hitherto unaware of.

This was false.

Of the nine Hoyas - Hoyae? nescio. - in Vienna, five of us showed up. The others either had legitimate reasons for not coming, like a project due the next day, or illegitimate ones, like preregistration for Georgetown (lame). But I didn't want to disappoint Helga, who is very nice and puts a lot of effort into these things despite being a dolt. Interestingly she did not come because she had to put her eight month old baby to sleep because he can't fall asleep without her, and because she will probably nurse him until he's at least twelve if she keeps up her present attitude.

No matter. I came, and I think I deserve some credit for that. The tutors were jackasses though and took names of the people who didn't, because they have the impression they have some power over us. This is an impression that many Vienna Hoyae have, but I'm getting off topic.

The plot

Marion is a young girl in "the dark time" (i.e. Nazi time). She is bethrothed to a butcher by her insensitive father. Also running around on stage is a fifty-five year old woman with platinum blond hair and hot pink pants. She attempts to sleep with various male characters. There is also a young Nazi on stage, though I didn't determine his relationship to everyone else. I believe he was the token Nazi because he shot his gun into the air and complained about race problems. Everyone in the audience was appropriately guilt-stricken for about five minutes before blondie throws her leg over his arm and makes out with him passionately. Alfred is another young man, who makes his living in questionable ways. He and Marion fall in love despite Marion's betrothal to said butcher. Butcher practices Jujitsu on his fiancee, displaying dolthood. Marion and Alfred sleep together, move in together, debate the existence of God. Insensitive Father walks on to stage and sits down. Blondie lies down next to him with her head in his lap. He rubs her boobs and then goes down on her. Alfred walks onto stage inquiring if they have the time of day. Blondie's head pokes out from under Insensitive Father's ass and they have a conversation. Marion and Alfred have a baby. A fat old man chases a little girl around stage with a knife.

Intermission.

So I left at this point, because I do not believe this qualifies as art, only a waste of my time. I would like to say that at least I was not smoking marijuana like the youngsters in front of me. I believe my decision was right, because the rest of the play consisted of Marion becoming a whore, covering herself in Nutella (which Europeans love) and being licked, yes, in that area, by her father, who doesn't realize who this Nutella-drenched woman of the night really is.

Perhaps the one thing this play did achieve (other than teaching me the German word for lap) is make me think about what qualifies as art. I have decided that it must be a work that either has some insight into the human condition, conveys some perception of the world, or elevates the spirit (so we can count music). GADWW strikes out on all three counts. Thank you, Vienna.

Also, bad plays are so awkward. I think they are the most awkward thing ever.